


Rivendell and a Joke

by amlovabledeathmo



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 19:36:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20895014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amlovabledeathmo/pseuds/amlovabledeathmo
Summary: What if the Elves thought that the dwarves were Vegetarians? How would the dwarves take that and why would Elrond ever think that?





	Rivendell and a Joke

“He’s offering us dinner Gloin!” Bilbo pipes up from his spot in the center of the dwarves. 

“Ah,” Gloin looks a bit ashamed and lowers his ax, “Lead on then.”

The company was offered wash basins which they gladly accepted to scrub their arms and faces before being directed to the dining hall. Much of the company was sat together except for Thorin and Balin who were at the table with Gandalf and Lord Elrond. Perhaps it spoke to better or at least more peaceful times that the chairs all had leg additions available as well as a step up and a small platform that kept ones legs from swinging in the air. Ale was brought out first which was met with many cheers from the dwarves, unfortunately the food instead brought whispers and grumbles. 

Bilbo was delighted, he hadn’t seen so many vegetable dishes since the harvest celebration, or maybe the spring celebration, no matter when he was quite happy to have a large sampling of dishes and quickly dug in. He soon noticed however that the dwarves were not eating or at least not enjoying it. Most were just picking at the salad, Dwalin was using his hands to pick up the greens and asking where the meat was and next to him, Dori was trying to get Ori to try just a mouthful while Ori was tearfully whispering that he didn’t like green food. Bilbo scooped some of the chives off the mashed potatoes and plunked it on Ori’s plate. “See no green and it’s really delicious, they must have used a generous helping of butter and cream to get it so smooth, why I’m sure that this would be fought over at an party in the Shire.” He finished his statement by scooping a large spoonful and shoving it in his mouth, sighing happily. “Oh and look at this pasta,” He gave a scoop of that to Ori as well, “once we pick out the basil it’s not green either. It’s very good and filling.” He once again served himself a generous helping. The whole table had stopped to watch their burglar talking about these dishes.

Ori hesitantly took a small spoonful of the potatoes, “Oh! That is very good.” He stared at the plate for bit before trying the pasta, “That is too. Thank you Bilbo.”

Bilbo just shrugged since he had continued to fill his plate and his mouth, it had been a while since they had variety in their diet. 

The other dwarves were soon passing around the potatoes and pasta and a few were even mixing them. All in all it went pretty good for a meatless dinner. Though there were still whispers about their hosts offering insult, after all even the most dis-wanted guests were offered pigeon or some other small bird. 

After dinner and the boisterous show by Bofur the company sat talking in a common area between their rooms. The voices overlapping and Bilbo was only able to catch every few sentences that were yelled. “How does the wizard think we can trust them with our map when they offer such insult to not even provide a small bird for meat?” “If they snub us so outright who is to say they will even tell us what the map says?” “I knew we couldn’t trust those weed eaters!” 

“Well I thought it was quite a nice spread. It was an excellent feast even without meat. Perhaps these elves don’t eat meat? You lot do call them weed eaters.” Bilbo spoke up and all the dwarves turned their eyes on him. 

After allowing Bilbo to start shifting uncomfortably under all the stares Balin broke the silence. “The elven lord claims to have had dealings with Thror when he ruled yet would not realize what significance the lack of meat would be? Even if they don’t eat meat it should have been explained, he knows that we have few dealings with elves and would not know if they ate meat or not. No I am sure it was a deliberate act.” 

The other dwarves were nodding along and Bilbo coughed awkwardly, “Ah well uh I think I’ll go find myself a nice spot to smoke quietly.” He slipped out the door as the conversation once again rose in volume. He soon found himself leaning against a railing gazing around Rivendell when a pair of elves caught his attention, their conversation carrying easily on the breeze. 

“Why do we have to avoid meat just because the dwarves are here? I know Lord Elrond said it would be very rude to eat meat in front of them but the hunters just came back with fresh venison and I was greatly looking forward to it.” Elf number one said. 

Elf number two shrugged, “You know Lord Elrond said that dwarves are vegetarians and it would be quite upsetting to them to smell the meat. Maybe if we go to the kitchens now they’ll let us cook a little of it since the dwarves have gone to bed.” 

Elf number one picked up his pace, “Excellent plan my friend, let’s go.” 

Hmm Bilbo wondered what the meaning of that was. Surely Lord Elrond would know how rude it was to not serve meat so why did he tell his subjects that the dwarves were vegetarians? Was he really trying to cause problems? Bilbo tapped the ash out of his pipe and headed back to bathe before bed. 

Breakfast was laid out on a long sideboard with many fruits, a variety of eggs, fresh loaves of bread, and nice thick oatmeal with lots of honey and cream to mix in. Bilbo happily filled a bowl with oatmeal, honey, cream, and lots of berries. He happily thought that it was so good and sweet it could almost pass as a dessert. The dwarves stared unhappily before scooping up eggs and loaves of bread. Bilbo sighed disappointedly before leaving his bowl at the table and dragging the three young ones back to the sideboard to get them heaping bowls of oatmeal like he had but with their choice of two or more fruits. 

“Bilbo, why are you punishing us? You know oatmeal is gross and tasteless.” Kili finally muttered unhappily staring at his bowl after he’d finished his eggs and bread. 

Bilbo gasped, “Heavens no, travel oatmeal might not be very good but this is proper oatmeal. You really must try it.” 

Ori who had not been lead astray by Bilbo yet in the food area was the first to try a bite. “This isn’t oatmeal this is a sweet!” 

At the word sweet Fili and Kili exchanged glances and took a bite. “Wow you’re right Ori. Thank you Bilbo.” they chorused. Soon the older dwarves, most notably Thorin were back at the sideboard filling bowls and asking Bilbo how to make it good. Breakfast was again a success after a rocky beginning. 

Bilbo started to wonder if Elrond just wanted the dwarves to have to try new foods or if there was a different reason for the rudeness. Once Thorin, Balin, and Dwalin left with Gandalf and Lord Elrond for a meeting the rest of the company wondered off. Bilbo asked around for directions to the library and soon found himself with Ori as a companion. They spent a few pleasant hours looking around the stacks of books and Ori even found some old books in Khuzdul that he was very excited about. The librarian was kind enough to let them borrow some books each to take back to their rooms. After a quick lunch Bilbo returned to his room to sit on the balcony and read in peace.

When he was called to dinner Bilbo put his book on the small stack he had on the bedside dresser and left to wash up. The dwarves were all sat together this night and were once more not happy with the dishes, still no meat plus the three who had been to the meeting seemed rather angry. Food was eaten quickly and there was limited conversations. Bilbo quickly headed back to his room to avoid the coming outburst. He lit a few candles and read for a while more. If the dwarves were not so grumpy he was sure he would be enjoying himself quite a bit. Once he was tired and went to ready himself for bed and dropped his book behind the dresser. “Oh Bother!” He got down on his knees and reached behind the table until he grabbed a book. 

“What’s this?” The book he was holding was not the one he had dropped. It was covered in dust but the golden geometric shapes were still visible there was no writing that he could see that would be a title. He flipped it open and found runes. “It must be dwarven, looks rather like the books Ori borrowed.” Bilbo got up and carried his find out to the common area to find Ori except the only one there was Thorin. 

“What brings you out of bed Master Baggins?”

“Ah I had a small discovery that I thought Ori might be interested in. I suppose I’ll wait till the morning to give it to him.” Bilbo awkwardly waived the book around. 

Thorin sat up quickly, “Where did you find that?” 

“It was behind a small dresser in my room.” Bilbo held it out and Thorin took it carefully, smoothing his hand over the cover. “Is it valuable?”

“Probably not to the average dwarf.”

“Hmm, but you recognize it?”

“Yes Master Baggins, it was my grandfathers.” Thorin flipped through slowly, skimming the journal before stopping and raising the book closer to his face before huffing a laugh. 

“Is everything okay?”

“Shall I read a passage for you?” 

Bilbo nodded.

“Very well then. We have arrived in Rivendell. I know how much my grandchildren wanted to come and have decided that I should bring a fun story back to them. Tonight at dinner I will tell the elves that though their hospitality is appreciated, dwarves do not eat meat. It is a simple prank but I am sure the eldest, Thorin, will much enjoy to hear about it. He will probably laugh at how little the elves know about dwarves if they believe me. I am sure him and Frerin will both try to pull the same prank when they are old enough to accompany me to the Greenwood.” Thorin lapsed into silence, just staring blankly at the page. 

“It sounds like your grandfather loved you all very much. That would also explain the lack of meat at every meal.” 

“I had nearly forgotten that my grandfather used to be like this.” He whispered. “Most of my memory is him falling to dragon sickness…” Thorin trailed off, “Thank you Bilbo. This is indeed a treasure you have found.” 

“It was purely and accident but you are most welcome Thorin.” Bilbo moved close to rest a hand on Thorin’s shoulder and smiled softly, “I do hope maybe the rest of our stay can go better now that we know that Lord Elrond is indeed not trying to insult us. Fili and Kili are going to be most excited to keep up this joke that your grandfather started. I am sure we will hear them loudly proclaiming how much they love the vegetables tomorrow.” 

Both chuckled a bit. Bilbo sat next to Thorin it was a good night for quietly sharing happy memories.


End file.
